Homesick Read online

  Then I looked to the right at the Customs House, which stood at the other end of the Bund. The clock on top of the tower said nine-thirty. How would I spend the day?

  I crossed the street to the promenade part of the Bund. When people walked here, they weren't usually going anyplace; they were just out for the air. My mother would wear her broad-brimmed beaver hat when we came and my father would swing his cane in that jaunty way that showed how glad he was to be a man. I thought I would just sit on a bench for the morning. I would watch the Customs House clock, and when it was time, I would eat the lunch I had brought along in my schoolbag.

  I was the only one sitting on a bench. People did not generally "take the air" on a Wednesday morning and besides, not everyone was allowed here. The British had put a sign on the Bund, NO DOGS, NO CHINESE. This meant that I could never bring Lin Nai-Nai with me. My father couldn't even bring his best friend, Mr. T. K. Hu. Maybe the British wanted a place where they could pretend they weren't in China, I thought. Still, there were always Chinese coolies around. In order to load and unload boats in the river, coolies had to cross the Bund. All day they went back and forth, bent double under their loads, sweating and chanting in a tired, singsong way that seemed to get them from one step to the next.

  To pass the time, I decided to recite poetry. The one good thing about Miss Williams was that she made us learn poems by heart and I liked that. There was one particular poem I didn't want to forget. I looked at the Yangtse River and pretended that all the busy people in the boats were my audience.

  " 'Breathes there the man, with soul so dead,' " I cried, " 'Who never to himself hath said, This is my own, my native land!'"

  I was so carried away by my performance that I didn't notice the policeman until he was right in front of me. Like all policemen in the British concession, he was a bushy-bearded Indian with a red turban wrapped around his head.

  He pointed to my schoolbag. "Little miss," he said, "why aren't you in school?"

  He was tall and mysterious-looking, more like a character in my Arabian Nights book than a man you expected to talk to. I fumbled for an answer. "I'm going on an errand," I said finally. "I just sat down for a rest." I picked up my schoolbag and walked quickly away. When I looked around, he was back on his corner, directing traffic.

  So now they were chasing children away too, I thought angrily. Well, I'd like to show them. Someday I'd like to walk a dog down the whole length of the Bund. A Great Dane. I'd have him on a leash—like this—(I put out my hand as if I were holding a leash right then) and he'd be so big and strong I'd have to strain to hold him back (I strained). Then of course sometimes he'd have to do his business and I'd stop (like this) right in the middle of the sidewalk and let him go to it. I was so busy with my Great Dane I was at the end of the Bund before I knew it. I let go of the leash, clapped my hands, and told my dog to go home. Then I left the Bund and the concessions and walked into the Chinese world.

  My mother and father and I had walked here but not for many months. This part near the river was called the Mud Flats. Sometimes it was muddier than others, and when the river flooded, the flats disappeared under water. Sometimes even the fishermen's huts were washed away, knocked right oflf their long-legged stilts and swept down the river. But today the river was fairly low and the mud had dried so that it was cracked and cakey. Most of the men who lived here were out fishing, some not far from the shore, poling their sampans through the shallow water. Only a few people were on the flats: a man cleaning fish on a flat rock at the water's edge, a woman spreading clothes on the dirt to dry, a few small children. But behind the huts was something I had never seen before. Even before I came close, I guessed what it was. Even then, I was excited by the strangeness of it.

  It was the beginnings of a boat. The skeleton of a large junk, its ribs lying bare, its backbone running straight and true down the bottom. The outline of the prow was already in place, turning up wide and snub-nosed, the way all junks did. I had never thought of boats starting from nothing, of taking on bones under their bodies. The eyes, I supposed, would be the last thing added. Then the junk would have life.

  The builders were not there and I was behind the huts where no one could see me as I walked around and around, marveling. Then I climbed inside and as I did, I knew that something wonderful was happening to me. I was a-tingle, the way a magician must feel when he swallows fire, because suddenly I knew that the boat was mine. No matter who really owned it, it was mine. Even if I never saw it again, it would be my junk sailing up and down the Yangtse River. My junk seeing the river sights with its two eyes, seeing them for me whether I was there or not. Often I had tried to put the Yangtse River into a poem so I could keep it. Sometimes I had tried to draw it, but nothing I did ever came close. But now, now I had my junk and somehow that gave me the river too.

  I thought I should put my mark on the boat. Perhaps on the side of the spine. Very small. A secret between the boat and me. I opened my schoolbag and took out my folding penknife that I used for sharpening pencils. Very carefully I carved the Chinese character that was our name. Gau. (In China my father was Mr. Gau, my mother was Mrs. Gau, and I was Little Miss Gau.) The builders would paint right over the character, I thought, and never notice. But I would know. Always and forever I would know.

  For a long time I dreamed about the boat, imagining it finished, its sails up, its eyes wide. Someday it might sail all the way down the Yangtse to Shanghai, so I told the boat what it would see along the way because I had been there and the boat hadn't. After a while I got hungry and I ate my egg sandwich. I was in the midst of peeling an orange when all at once I had company.

  A small boy, not more than four years old, wandered around to the back of the huts, saw me, and stopped still. He was wearing a ragged blue cotton jacket with a red cloth, pincushion-like charm around his neck which was supposed to keep him from getting smallpox. Sticking up straight from the middle of his head was a small pigtail which I knew was to fool the gods and make them think he was a girl. (Gods didn't bother much with girls; it was boys that were important in China.) The weather was still warm so he wore no pants, nothing below the waist. Most small boys went around like this so that when they had to go, they could just let loose and go. He walked slowly up to the boat, stared at me, and then nodded as if he'd already guessed what I was. "Foreign devil," he announced gravely.

  I shook my head. "No," I said in Chinese. "American friend." Through the ribs of the boat, I handed him a segment of orange. He ate it slowly, his eyes on the rest of the orange. Segment by segment, I gave it all to him. Then he wiped his hands down the front of his jacket.

  "Foreign devil," he repeated.

  "American friend," I corrected. Then I asked him about the boat. Who was building it? Where were the builders?

  He pointed with his chin upriver. "Not here today. Back tomorrow."

  I knew it would only be a question of time before the boy would run off to alert the people in the huts. "Foreign devil, foreign devil," he would cry. So I put my hand on the prow of the boat, wished it luck, and climbing out, I started back toward the Bund. To my surprise the boy walked beside me. When we came to the edge of the Bund, I squatted down so we would be on the same eye level.

  "Goodbye," I said. "May the River God protect you."

  For a moment the boy stared. When he spoke, it was as if he were trying out a new sound. "American friend," he said slowly.

  When I looked back, he was still there, looking soberly toward the foreign world to which I had gone.

  The time, according to the Customs House clock, was five after two, which meant that I couldn't go home for two hours. School was dismissed at three-thirty and I was home by three-forty-five unless I had to stay in for talking in class. It took me about fifteen minutes to write "I will not talk in class" fifty times, and so I often came home at four o'clock. (I wrote up and down like the Chinese: fifty "I's," fifty "wills," and right through the sentence so I never had to think what I was writing. It
wasn't as if I were making a promise.) Today I planned to arrive home at four, my "staying-in" time, in the hope that I wouldn't meet classmates on the way.

  Meanwhile I wandered up and down the streets, in and out of stores. I weighed myself on the big scale in the Hankow Dispensary and found that I was as skinny as ever. I went to the Terminus Hotel and tried out the chairs in the lounge. At first I didn't mind wandering about like this. Half of my mind was still on the river with my junk, but as time went on, my junk began slipping away until I was alone with nothing but questions. Would my mother find out about today? How could I skip school tomorrow? And the next day and the next? Could I get sick? Was there a kind of long lie-abed sickness that didn't hurt?

  I arrived home at four, just as I had planned, opened the door, and called out, "I'm home!" Cheery-like and normal. But I was scarcely in the house before Lin Nai-Nai ran to me from one side of the hall and my mother from the other.

  "Are you all right? Are you all right?" Lin Nai-Nai felt my arms as if she expected them to be broken. My mother's face was white. "What happened?" she asked.

  Then I looked through the open door into the living room and saw Miss Williams sitting there. She had beaten me home and asked about my absence, which of course had scared everyone. But now my mother could see that I was in one piece and for some reason this seemed to make her mad. She took me by the hand and led me into the living room. "Miss Williams said you weren't in school," she said. "Why was that?"

  I hung my head, just the way cowards do in books.

  My mother dropped my hand. "Jean will be in school tomorrow," she said firmly. She walked Miss Williams to the door. "Thank you for stopping by."

  Miss Williams looked satisfied in her mean, pinched way. "Well," she said, "ta-ta." (She always said "ta-ta" instead of "goodbye." Chicken language, it sounded like.)

  As soon as Miss Williams was gone and my mother was sitting down again, I burst into tears. Kneeling on the floor, I buried my head in her lap and poured out the whole miserable story. My mother could see that I really wasn't in one piece after all, so she listened quietly, stroking my hair as I talked, but gradually I could feel her stiffen. I knew she was remembering that she was a Mother.

  "You better go up to your room," she said, "and think things over. We'll talk about it after supper."

  I flung myself on my bed. What was there to think? Either I went to school and got beaten up. Or I quit.

  After supper I explained to my mother and father how simple it was. I could stay at home and my mother could teach me, the way Andrea's mother taught her. Maybe I could even go to Andrea's house and study with her.

  My mother shook her head. Yes, it was simple, she agreed. I could go back to the British School, be sensible, and start singing about the king again.

  I clutched the edge of the table. Couldn't she understand? I couldn't turn back now. It was too late.

  So far my father had not said a word. He was leaning back, teetering on the two hind legs of his chair, the way he always did after a meal, the way that drove my mother crazy. But he was not the kind of person to keep all four legs of a chair on the floor just because someone wanted him to. He wasn't a turning-back person so I hoped maybe he would understand. As I watched him, I saw a twinkle start in his eyes and suddenly he brought his chair down slam-bang flat on the floor. He got up and motioned for us to follow him into the living room. He sat down at the piano and began to pick out the tune for "God Save the King."

  A big help, I thought. Was he going to make me practice?

  Then he began to sing:

  "My country 'tis of thee,

  Sweet land of liberty . . ."

  Of course! It was the same tune. Why hadn't I thought of that? Who would know what I was singing as long as I moved my lips? I joined in now, loud and strong.

  "Of thee I sing."

  My mother laughed in spite of herself. "If you sing that loud," she said, "you'll start a revolution."

  "Tomorrow I'll sing softly," I promised. "No one will know." But for now I really let freedom ring.

  Then all at once I wanted to see Lin Nai-Nai. I ran out back, through the courtyard that separated the house from the servants' quarters, and upstairs to her room.

  "It's me," I called through the door and when she opened up, I threw my arms around her. "Oh, Lin Nai-Nai, I love you," I said. "You haven't said it yet, have you?"

  "Said what?"

  "Sewing machine. You haven't said it?"

  "No," she said, "not yet. I'm still practicing."

  "Don't say it, Lin Nai-Nai. Say 'Good day.' It's shorter and easier. Besides, it's more polite."

  "Good day?" she repeated.

  "Yes, that's right. Good day." I hugged her and ran back to the house.

  The next day at school when we rose to sing the British national anthem, everyone stared at me, but as soon as I opened my mouth, the class lost interest. All but Ian Forbes. His eyes never left my face, but I sang softly, carefully, proudly. At recess he sauntered over to where I stood against the wall.

  He spat on the ground. "You can be bloody glad you sang today," he said. Then he strutted off as if he and those square knees of his had won again.

  And, of course, I was bloody glad.

  I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WOULD FEEL MORE AMERICAN if I'd been named Marjorie. I could picture a girl named Marjorie roller skating in America (I had never roller-skated). Or sled riding (there was neither snow nor hills in Hankow). Or being wild on Halloween night (I had never celebrated Halloween). The name Jean was so short, there didn't seem to be enough room in it for all the things I wanted to do, all the ways I wanted to be. Sometimes I wondered if my mother had picked a short name because she had her heart set on my being just one kind of person. Ever since she'd written in my autograph book, I was afraid that goodness was what she really wanted out of me.

  "Be good, sweet child," she had written, "and let who will be clever."

  Deep in my heart I knew that goodness didn't come natural to me. If I had to choose, I would rather be clever, but I didn't understand why anyone had to choose. I wasn't even sure that people could choose, although my mother was always saying that if they really tried, people could be whatever they wanted to be. But that was just more grown-up talk. As if wanting to be beautiful (like my mother) could make one bit of difference in my looks. As if trying to beat up Ian Forbes could do anything but land me in trouble. As for being good, I had to admit that I didn't always want to be.

  Dear Grandma (I wrote in my next letter): I want to warn you so you wont be disappointed. I'm not always good. Sometimes I don’t even try.

  It was true. I knew I wasn't supposed to go to the Mud Flats alone, but twice I had managed to sneak off for a quick visit. The boat was gone, already at home on the river, I supposed, but my little friend was there. Each time he had run up to greet me and I had given him an orange. Each time he had called me "American friend" and had walked me back to the Bund.

  Of course I knew I was wrong to disobey my mother but that hadn't stopped me. Still, I did feel guilty. If my name had been Marjorie, I thought, I would not have been the sort of person to feel guilty. And if it had not been the end of November, with Christmas already in the air, I might not have thought of the perfect way to solve my problem.

  "I know what you can give me for Christmas," I told my mother.

  "I've already bought your presents." My mother was writing letters at her little black lacquer desk and she didn't look up.

  "This wouldn't cost a thing," I explained. "It would be easy."

  "Well?" She still didn't look up.

  "You could give me a new name. That's what I really want."

  Now she did look up. She even put down her pen. "And what, may I ask, is the matter with the name you have?"

  "I don't like it. Take it back." I put my arm around her neck because I didn't want her to feel bad about the mistake she'd made. "Give me the name Marjorie. Just write it on a gift card and put it in a box. You see how easy it wou
ld be."

  My mother shook her head as if she couldn't understand how I'd got into the family. "I wouldn't name a cat Marjorie," she said.

  Well, of course not! "Marjorie is not a cat's name," I yelled. And I stamped out of the room.

  When I asked my father, he simply changed the subject. "I know one present you are getting for Christmas," he said, "that you've never even thought of."

  He was a good subject-changer.

  "Animal, vegetable, or mineral?" I asked.

  "Vegetable."

  "How heavy?"

  "As heavy as a pound of butter." He'd give me no more clues, but of course I did give it a lot of thought between then and Christmas.

  But I hadn't forgotten about Marjorie. I was going to Andrea's for the weekend and I would see what she thought.

  I loved going to the Hulls'. Not only did they have low ceilings and three children (Andrea, Edward, and David, the adopted one), but the Hull family was different from any I had ever known. They must have believed in goodness because, like us, they were a Y.M.C.A. family, but what they stressed was being free and natural. When the family was alone, for instance, they thought nothing of walking around upstairs without any clothes on. The way Andrea spoke, it was as if she hardly noticed if her parents were naked or not. Moreover, the Hulls seemed to talk together about anything, not as if conversation were divided into Adult subjects and You're-Not-Old-Enough-to-Understand subjects. They discussed whether Adam and Eve had been real people or whether there would ever be another world war. Things like that. And Andrea not only knew how babies were born, she knew exactly how she, herself, had been born.

  Since Mr. and Mrs. Hull were in such agreement, you would have thought they would have been happy, but they weren't. According to Andrea, her parents did not get along. She was even afraid they might get a divorce. I had never known anyone who'd had a divorce and I had no way of knowing how married people got along, so of course I was interested in hearing the ups and downs of Mr. and Mrs. Hull's married life. Indeed, I never came back from Andrea's without something new to think about.